The Brainstem Theory: An explanation of male behavior

As I left church Sunday I saw a group of young boys running around –without jackets – in very cold weather, completely oblivious to the fact that they were freezing. The scene reminded me of a theory I came up with over 30 years ago after watching a group of teenaged boys laughing and frolicking in the frigid surf of Monterey Bay. They weren’t wearing wetsuits and their skin had turned purple. They didn’t have a clue that they were minutes away from dying from hypothermia. It’s a phenomenon that springs from what I call the “Brainstem Theory.”

The Brainstem Theory explains male behavior between the ages of seven and, well, there’s no upper age limit. It’s based on the well-known fact that males’ brains are incapable of talking to other parts of their bodies or recognizing that they are a danger to themselves and pretty much every lifeform in the galaxy.

The ancient Greeks referred to this genetic defect as fictus cerebrum, which is Latin for “fake brain.” The defect was particularly prominent on the Greek island of Kardashia. The Kardashians were known for their mind-numbing blather, warped sense of reality and an extreme compulsion to drive other humans into permanent insanity. While the defect can be observed in many women, it’s infestation of the male brain is universal, complete and irreversible.

Here’s where the biological explanation comes in. The brain stem is supposed to enable trillions of neurons to send electrical signals to one another to complete thoughts. At the peak of the female brain’s development, the cerebral cortex creates up to 100,000 neurons per second. The male brain produces one every ten years. When the male brain finally sprouts its first neuron, it tries to complete a thought by sending a spark through the vacuum to another one. Trouble is, there isn’t another one. So the spark fizzles into oblivion for another decade.

I should have documented this ground-breaking theory as soon as I observed it. I missed out on all the credit. Long after my discovery, scientists proved the truth of it as a result of advanced MRI and EEG technology and watching dung-flinging male monkeys in zoos. I would have had a lock on the Nobel Prize had I been more proactive. Oh, well, I shouldn’t feel so bad. Besides, the thought never lasts too long in my brain. Who knows what I’ll think in ten years?